Couples Counseling with Aubrey

A lot of couples counselors say this: “the couple” or “the relationship” is the client. But what does that actually mean? What I and many other couples counselors mean is that we are building treatment goals, plans, and interventions for the health of the unit, not representing either individual partner. Treatment is focused on things like communication, trust, intimacy, and support through transition.

It means that my role is to help both parties improve the relationship. My role is not to determine who is right or wrong, or take one partner’s side. I work with both of you to understand the relationship patterns that are getting you stuck in a negative cycle of communication or interaction.

My goal is to create a neutral space where both people in the relationship can be honest and feel heard, while also being willing to look at their own part in the relationship. Neutrality benefits both parties by me not advocating for either partner over the other, both during sessions and after the counseling ends.

Lastly, what I mean by the couple is my client: if the marriage or relationship ends, I cannot advocate for either party, nor can I speak against any partner. If couples counseling ends, I can’t become one person’s individual therapist.

Couples counseling isn’t about me, the counselor, picking the argument winner. I believe that if one person wins the argument, the relationship is what lost out.

Many couples come to counseling with one or both partners believing that the other person is the problem, and expect me to fix them. I understand that expectation. We’ve all felt that way at times. However, Pema Chodron said it best when using this metaphor: “I’d have the perfect marriage if it weren’t for my husband.” Couples counseling works best when both parties enter with the willingness to work on the marriage by looking at ways they can shift themselves, and the hope that their partner is doing the same. However! It can take some time to get there—that’s okay too.

I meet my clients where they are at. I don’t make up goals or intentions for my clients. We create a plan together, based on what the client wants to work on. Sometimes a couple wants to reconnect after a tough time, or a breach of trust. Sometimes both want to build a relationship that feels healthier and more fulfilling than what they have now. Sometimes it helps couples understand that they want different things. And sometimes it provides a space to thoughtfully navigate separation or the end of a relationship.

My goal isn’t to convince you to stay together. My goal is to help you better understand yourselves in the context of this unit you’re both a part of. A happy relationship is one where both parties support the individual’s goals and the joint goals for a more meaningful life.

Before starting couples counseling, I’ll have a brief individual consultation call. This is a short chat that gives us all an opportunity to ask questions, learn more about my approach, and share any concerns you may have about beginning counseling.

We’ll then meet together for an initial session where we’ll talk about what brings you in, your relationship history, and what you would like to be different. I’ll also meet individually with each of you once as part of the assessment process. These individual sessions help me understand each person’s perspective and experiences within the relationship.

After the first couples session and single individual sessions, all couples sessions are conducted with the couple present.

Couples counseling isn’t the right fit for every relationship or every situation. For therapy to be helpful, both people need to be able to participate voluntarily and feel free enough to speak honestly without fear of intimidation or retaliation.

As part of our work, I’ll periodically check in about relationship safety. If I believe that couples counseling is no longer appropriate, effective, or safe, I’ll talk with you about my concerns and help connect you with other resources when appropriate.

There may be times when individual counseling, specialized services, or another form of support is a better fit. As part of my work with couples, I may provide referrals to other mental health or support resources.

You don’t have to know whether you want to stay together before starting couples counseling.

If you’re considering ending your relationship, my role remains the same: I am the couples counselor, not an advocate or expert witness for either person. I don’t provide custody evaluations, opinions about marital fault, or documentation intended to support one partner’s legal position against the other.

If legal proceedings make couples counseling inappropriate or interfere with our ability to work effectively, I may recommend ending couples counseling and connecting you with other providers.

Conflict is normal, and welcome in counseling. Conflict is healthy, and even has a vital purpose in achieving mutual understanding and moving forward.

According to psychologist and marriage researcher John Gottman, almost 70% of relationship problems are unsolvable. That means they will never completely go away. They often stem from fundamental personality and value differences. Successful, happy couples do not avoid fights, or eliminate their differences to become the same person eventually. They learn to manage conflict with respect, communication, and sometimes a little playfulness.

My hope is that counseling with your partner gives y’all time to slow down, process what has and continues to happen between you, and work to change the patterns that are no longer working. Sometimes that leads to greater connection. Sometimes it leads to meaningful change in the relationship. And sometimes it leads to clarity about what each person needs moving forward.

I hope this page provided some clarity on what it would be like to work with me, and I’m sure there are scenarios that this page didn’t provide answers for. If you would like more information, you can schedule a brief 15-minute consultation call. Just fill out the form, and we can go from there.